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10 Totally Sick Skating Skills to Show Me, a Woman Just Simply Existing at an Ice Rink

Totally sick, bro.

By Nat Hrvatin

1. Skating forwards really fast

Woah! You can skate so fast. You have piqued my interest. Of course, I won’t let on that I’m checking you out, so please accept my skating away from you as a surefire sign to continue.

2. Skating backwards

That requires quite the coordination! I bet you played hockey in middle school. Me? I was a competitive figure skater for ten years, but my skills are nothing compared to yours.

3. Circling around me

It’s like you’re a hawk and I’m your sexy prey! When I point out all of the other places to skate on this near-empty ice rink, I don’t actually want you to.

4. Trip and fall on your ass

You lost your balance and you know what, it’s vulnerable as hell. That’s hot. What’ll melt my heart is if you get in a screaming match with a teen who laughs at you.

5. Challenge that punk kid to a speed skating contest

It's really honorable of you to stand up for yourself like that.

6. Backwards wiggle to the concession stand after you lose

It’s okay. I know you let him win because you’re a nice guy. I don’t normally go for nice guys, but I love watching you wiggle backward across the ice rink while maintaining intense eye contact.

7. Skate while balancing nachos

Yum!! Eating nachos while skating around in nauseating loops? Great idea!

8. Bunny hop over to me and offer to share your nachos

I will decline your offer, as I want to appear demure and I can’t do that with hot cheese dripping down my chin.

9. Lunge when you drop your nachos

You know how to make me laugh!

10. Spiral physically (and mentally) when you hear my laughter and take offense.

My love, I’m not making fun of you! No, I’m laughing with you. Now, let’s pick up those nachos and start our courtship, babe! You really know how to break the ice! (Because with those huffy toe kicks you’re doing, you’re breaking up the ice and making a big mess!)

End of the Bench will have more as soon as we nail this triple axel.

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